i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
