alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
