Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
