proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
