I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
