Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
