Porn is love you can see.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
