Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
