so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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