Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
