matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize