I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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