New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
