so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
