did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
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