I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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