if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
