can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
