if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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