I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
