my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Randomize
