omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
