If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
