she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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