I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
