I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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