So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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