whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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