Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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