I have demons in me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
