i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
