in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He better not be in your backpack
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
