I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
