fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize
