Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
