Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
