we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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