So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The uberlube is also flammable
Randomize
