I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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