So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
