the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
