i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
