I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
