I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
