My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
