just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
