my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize