The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
