Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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