He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
