How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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