omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Randomize
