You're my little dorito
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Randomize
