in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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