I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
