A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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