allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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