I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
