There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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