someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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